shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
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Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Wednesday
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.