“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
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*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.