Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
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I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
courtroom exchange of the day
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.