How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
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[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast