How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
You Might Also Like
They also CAN sing✌️
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.