Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
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“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Squirrels before girls.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”