Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
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kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude