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Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.