[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
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3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.