You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
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Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.