Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
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Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”