My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
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My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.