Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
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If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
when someone compliments me
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
do what now??
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life