a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
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Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
My life in a nutshell
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—