i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
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Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Can Happiness buy money?
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.