Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
You Might Also Like
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
what?
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Why is no one talking about this?!
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”