I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
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Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now