My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
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There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Had an epiphany today.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Best spoiler warning ever
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?