Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
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[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
handsome & gretel
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.