My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
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Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”