My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
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Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Genius idea!!
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.