Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
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Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
“What movie?” 🤔
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
*checks Timeline*…
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
#Caturday
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?