people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
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HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.