My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
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me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Ken is short for chicken
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.