You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
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[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
There’s always that one guy
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.