Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
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I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof