Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
You Might Also Like
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!