I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
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sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.