Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
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I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi