when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
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On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them