My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
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Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Shark week, but for squirrels.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”