People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
You Might Also Like
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak