Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
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Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
*jazz hands*
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back