“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
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My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?