A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
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[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT