If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
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*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.