Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
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We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
When you’re Kinky but poor
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”