[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
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“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
A French press is when you hug naked
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.