My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
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THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
When you let grandma cat sit
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin