Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
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My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
No way!
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on