Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
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Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate