Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
You Might Also Like
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014