You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
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Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school