If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
You Might Also Like
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Not today
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings