Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
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I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
The 6 types of sex
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda