him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
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some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭