“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
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Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..