Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
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driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Hot hot hot 🥵
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
I’m putting together a team