does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
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worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Only a mother’s love …
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.