Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
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THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.